Should I strangle an owl?

HTWB barn owlFunny how your brain grabs you by the short hairs in the middle of the night … transports you right out of your comfort zone into a mind-slashing pot boiler cooking up why you’re there, how good you are at your job, what you stand for, what you do, who your friends are, who you have sex with, what your kids are up to, how much money you owe and a few other hundred triggers for paranoid schizophrenia. [Read more…]

Is your work driving you doo-lally today? Here’s an instant, permanent cure…

 

The Bumper Book Of Business Jokes

Over 500 wicked laughs (and 115 pages) about the workplace

for just USD $2.50 (GBP £1.60)

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceOnce upon a time a long, long time ago (well, a while ago, anyway) there was a desperately earnest business writer called Suze St Cere, who slavishly researched and wrote really useful books about business writing, marketing, the English language and all that sort of serious sincere shit.

But she had a deep, dark and dirty secret…

In her spare time, well hidden from her friends, family and clients, she had also written a joke book.

One day Suze’s Fairy GodMother Accountant Geeta twinkled into Suze’s office, perched prettily on the desktop screen and began to speak while dusting off all the cat hairs with her magic wand.

 “God this place is a mess. Now I think you ought to get real about something. Your joke book about horses? Remember?” FGMA Geeta fluttered down behind the desk to retrieve a dead mouse.

 “That bloody joke book,” she rang out from the depths of the waste paper basket, “outsells all your business books put together. How long has this mouse been here? It’s fossilized. Now what does that tell you, my child?”

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceHad a chuckle already? Download all 500 of them right now for just $2.50
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Poor Suze St Cere. It was no good: she would have to come out of the closet and reveal herself as a humor writer. Her lower lip trembled as she waited for FGMA Geeta to make the garbage and mouse magically disappear.

“Let me give it to you straight,” tinkled FGMA Geeta. “Don’t fart around with the business books any more. Well, OK, maybe one a year. But if you want to sell books and make a few bucks, write and compile more jokes. Lots of them. Now f***ing get on with it.” In a sparkle of fairy dust, she was gone.

And that, readers, is how Suze St Cere came to cut the crap and compile/write this book. (A lot of stuff in it is original.)

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceGiggling now? It’s just $2.50 to guarantee giga-giggles  
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Not yet? OK – some samples

SocMed jargon buster
Aggrevator:  a website that collects and redistributes blogposts and news based on information hacked from people’s phones
Bogosphere: comfort break facilities solely for the use of paid-up members of the blogosphere
Chavatars: (Great Britain) avatars you can customise with fake Burberry clothes and accessories, tightly-pulled ponytails, excessive gold jewellery and white stiletto-heeled shoes
Drowser: one of the older-format browsers that is painfully slow
Extroll: how to describe your persistent blog critic whose address you have found and whose house you have just burned down
Flogger: a blogger who rants on at length about a topic until no-one is interested any more
Google Fuss: a relatively new social media platform gathering millions of users who, now they’re there, are chatting about the weather and wondering what to do next
Hashtags: symbols used to flag up suspected weed smokers and so warn that their comments and blog posts should be taken with a pinch of, er, salt.
Javascript: (USA) programming language developed by geeks who were wired on strong coffee and didn’t sleep for several days until it was done (this is true, by the way)
Midgets: standalone applications which are very, very small
Plodcast: a particularly long and boring podcast
Rememe: an aide-memoire to help you remember what the hell a meme was before everyone started abusing the term
Squitter: someone on Twitter with bad verbal diarrhoea whose tweets invariably get cut off midstream with no link to follow on
Taxonomy: contraction of “tax on the economy” which is a polite way of saying a country is soon to go bust
Treads: threads on blogs and social media platforms where the conversation is concerned solely with footwear
Weddinar: a live online weddings exhibition

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceThat’s just the tip of the iceberg. Download the book right now – for the price of a sandwich
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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said, “we have the perfect opening for a person like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“The doorway.”

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed somewhat less than qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well… as a matter of fact, yes,” she replied.  “I’ve been divorced three times.”

Over 500 wicked laughs about the workplaceMake sure you’ve got enough business laughs for a year or more – download your copy of The Bumper Book of Business Jokes right now!
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Business English Quick Tips will be back next week….

Bad day at the office? Cheer yourself up with this guy’s superbly written email…

If you’ve ever whined about having a bad day at work, this story should shut you up once and for all. The original author is unknown but whoever you are, thank you for sharing, and I hope to Heaven that you never experience this drama again…

Bill is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an email he sent to his cousin. She then sent it to a radio station in Indiana which was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest. Needless to say, she won. Here’s why…

Hi Kelly,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling cousin.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize yours is not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered  industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darned good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit.  This floods my whole suit with warm water. It’s like working in a Jacuzzi!

Everything was going well this particular day until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now:  repeat to yourself, “I love my job, I love my job, I love my job…….”

Love, Bill.

Still p*ssed off about your “boring” job? Don’t know about you, but I won’t ever complain about my job again…

More laughs – and they’re useful, too:

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

 

photo credit: SLU Madrid Campus via photo pin cc

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