The Nativity with a modern twist…

Welcome back to roller banner supremo and performance poet extraordinaire Steve Crawford, who has penned his own version of the Nativity story for us in verse…enjoy!

The Nativity with a modern twist

“Nowadays a call to social services, means they would take that baby away.”

On Christmas night apparently, baby Jesus had been put in a manger.

There were horses and cows and some sheep there too, sounds to me like he could be in danger.

Nowadays a call to social services, means they would take that baby away.

“What kind of irresponsible parents, lay a newborn in a shed in some hay?”, they’d say.


“Horses and sheep have sharp teeth and hooves, are diseased and unhygienic”, they’d have said,

“One of them could have stood, or even shat on the kid, or even worse bitten off his head.”

But the officials didn’t come that night, Social Services had yet to be invented.

Some people say that’s a crying shame, as Christianity could have been prevented.


Then three weary old men brought strange presents to him, gold and myrrh and incense, and flowers,

Many shepherds were there, but they didn’t care, they’d been sniffing strong incense for hours.

A star had risen in the East, or South, or perhaps it was far in the West?

And the wise old men had followed it there, on their camels, travelling three abreast.


But how the hell do you follow a star?  As far as I know they don’t move.

Some say it must have been a comet; it’s a theory that’s hard to disprove.

I think they had crossed the Arabian desert, and braved the blistering heat.

They needed to get there for Christmas night, ‘cause a messiah they all wanted to meet.


I’m also not too sure how a star in the heavens, could point to a stable below?

Perhaps if it shone through a crack in the clouds, they said “’twas bathed in a heavenly glow”.

An angel had come down from heaven, to show the shepherds just where to go.

I’m surprised they didn’t just follow that star, like the Magi did, as we know.

Of course in those days they didn’t have sat nav, or watches or even maps,

f*ck knows how they got anywhere on time, or even worked out what time it was.


In Bethlehem it was very busy, there’d been no available accommodation,

Joseph should have booked in advance, to avoid that last-minute location.


“I’m sorry but there’s no rooms left at my inn”, the twenty third innkeeper had said.

“But I’ve got a little shed out back, that I suppose you could use instead.”

“It’s ideal for having a baby I reckon,  but be careful how you go,

or you might thrust your foot in, something disgusting’, a cow’s left beneath the snow.”


T’was so that the conditions were basic. The room was hardly first class.

You had to be careful where you sat down in that shed, or you may have got spells in your ass.


Joseph was a carpenter and made stuff out of wood and fancied giving this maiden some lovin’

so he’d hooked up with Mary, who said she was chaste, but somehow had a bun in the oven.

And she told him quite frankly the babe wasn’t his, but I think he may already have guessed.

Not only had they never got down to it, he’d not even seen her undressed.

She had claimed to still be a virgin; with child, though not yet deflowered by man.

But nowadays it’s quite different I think, with in vitro  I believe that you can.


They had travelled there on a donkey, or perhaps it was more of an ass?

Archangel Mike had been telling the truth, all his prophesies had come to pass.

So the baby was laid in a manger, Mother Mary was close by his side.

They normally inform you the weight at the birth, but this info was never supplied.

They said he would become the messiah. The saviour of all mankind.

But the book was written many years after, and we now know that faith makes you blind.


I don’t know if they were actually married, I’m not sure the good book says they were.

All we know is that Joe was her partner, and had accompanied her all the way there.

I’m curious, and I wonder, did Joseph think, what the f*ck I’m doing here?

I’m not even this little kid’s father, and this messiah thing’s decidedly queer.


So the whole ensemble was gathered around, I imagine the scene was quite happy.

But Mary and Joe were snapped back to reality, when baby Jesus dirtied his nappy!


Herod, the king was livid when he heard, and ordered his men to kill newborn kids,

the king of all kings born in his manor, would really not be good for his biz.

They went out and tried, and many kids died, but Jesus was quite safe in his manger,

with all of this entourage and cattle and sheep, in the shed he was protected from danger.


So this is where we must leave them, so long ago, Christmas night in the year zero,

A child in a manger with his mum and Joe; Jesus Christ, the first superhero.

The Nativity with a modern twist

Steve Crawford


©2015 Stephen M. Crawford

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