The People’s Republic of Blog: welcome to the new blogging nation

Given that blogs have become more than a passing fancy with close on 200 million of them floating in cyberspace, I thought it was time we organize these extraordinary entities together into The People’s Republic of Blog. Here are my suggestions for the first ten Bloggonian provinces, and yours are more than welcome, too – please add them in the comments below.

Know-it-allia
Know-it-allian Bloggers think that because they know a fair amount about their topic they can intimidate readers and potential clients into buying their services by writing condescending and patronizing posts, usually giving the excuse of “keeping it simple.” These people speak to their readers in whiny, high-pitched voices as if the latter are naughty children who need to be told what to do and what unpleasant consequences might ensue if they don’t do it. Not surprisingly Know-it-allian Bloggers often piss their readers off and lose useful traffic as a result, as well as losing clients who are bored with being spoken down to.

Rantersland
In Rantersland, every Blog is banging the drum about something the Blogger concerned feels very, very strongly about, nearly always in a negative way. Often the cause of the blog is an ongoing issue and blogging in this way is a very handy way of stalking the alleged perpetrators and reporting on their every dastardly move. Prominent Ranters can get quite a lot of attention from the media and no doubt from libel lawyers scouting for potential business in case the Ranter concerned writes a whoopsie. Lesser Ranter Bloggers tend to burn themselves out after a few months and go back to pulling the wings off blue-bottle flies.

Nichy
This province is the domain of niche-huggers who just know there are readers out there who are fascinated by the digestive systems of grass snakes and want to know every last tiny detail about the snakes’ diets, gastric juices, ileal and colorectal functions and of course, whether they fart in the key of C or the key of F sharp minor. Nichyan Bloggers do not do generalities, which is refreshing. They love specifics, technical intricacies, and amazing facts no-one has ever published before because they were of no interest whatsoever. Nichyan Bloggers tend to live to a good old age, alone in remote locations with several rescued cats.

Usefullia
This is the largest province in The People’s Republic of Blog and comprises many blogs which actually provide something that’s useful, from relatively specific topics to the more general. Unfortunately Usefullian Bloggers are obliged to compete with so-called useful blogs in other republics, which without going into brain-deadening detail means there are quite a few similar citizens out there in the mainstream blogosphere. However Usefullians are confident that this province only has useful blogs that are really useful, not merely pretending to be. Usefullian Bloggers are usually confident and wear expensive running shoes.

The People's Republic of Blog: welcome to the new blogging nation

The Funnyfarms Province

Funnyfarms
Funnyfarmers love baggy clothes, geeky horn-rimmed eyeglasses and are prone to exploding into laughter about their given subject, often forgetting that there are people suffering from or otherwise enduring whatever it is the Funnyfarmer is taking the piss out of and who don’t therefore find the jokes amusing. Many Funnyfarmers think they can get away with insulting anything from religion to ethnic minorities and people with disabilities as long as there is a laugh for someone, somewhere, in it. Fortunately the more intelligent Funnyfarmerian Bloggers do manage to make people laugh without offending anyone other than people and institutions who richly deserve it.

Magaziner
The Magaziner province is one of interesting geographical contrasts. On the wooded hilltops there are Magaziner blogs that have metamorphosed successfully from the early primaeval cultures based on glossy paper. However grovelling in the depths of muddy river banks are Magaziner blogs which try desperately to get away with being online magazines using ill-disguised advertising puffery as editorial. This is coupled with articles thrown together by semi-literate, over-caffeinated Magazinerian Bloggers who generate clichés and editorial bullshit between sipping lattés and lying about their sex lives.

Newspaperia
Newspaperians are an embarrassment in The People’s Republic of Blog due to their undemocratic class system. Their upper class is based on the ancient traditions of the broadsheet species and while supposedly delivering “news” consists largely of right-wing diatribe. The Newspaperian middle class blogs channel the tut-tut spinster style of news reporting in which hair is referred to as “locks” or “tresses,” to drink is to “quaff,” and people spewing vomit over each other are “sharing a joke.” Finally the Newspaperian lower class blogs avoid the news altogether and simply pay impoverished arts graduates with big tits to feature on the home page.

Techieland
These are the darlings of The People’s Republic of Blog because as long as everyone else leaves them alone to get off on their algorithms and formulae, they are happy as pigs in poop and are utterly harmless. The Games Techielanders lock themselves in their homes for days on end in gloomy rooms peering at glittering screens showing monsters, gargoyles, Druids, vampires, zombies and most other characters commonly seen in party political broadcasts. Techieland streets are always quiet apart from the traffic caused by a roaring trade in home pizza delivery services.

Keywordia
Keywordians are the show-offs of The People’s Republic of Blog and go to some ridiculous lengths to get themselves noticed in the front rows of search engine rankings – especially that of the Great Google God. Because they do this verbally their blogs are packed with keywords in a way that makes a nonsense of keywords because the keywords concerned are used at every imaginable keywords opportunity and then a few, because keywords are so important to work into anywhere keywords are mentioned and even where keywords aren’t required. Keywordians are often found strangled, in dark alleyways.

The People's Republic of Blog: welcome to the new blogging nation

The Advertizia Province

Advertizia
Located in a remote part of The People’s Republic of Blog, Advertizia is a barren, shrinking community made up of former content mills, article spinners and keyword blitzers too poor, even, to live in Keywordia (see above). Their land having been badly damaged by two major Google storms in recent years, Advertizians now struggle to make ends meet by paying poor unemployed graduates from the Indian subcontinent USD $3.00 to write 28 “different” articles about paper clips each embedded with lots of lovely linkies to an office supplies manufacturer in China. Advertizia is fast becoming a no-go area and other Bloggers are advised not to travel there, especially after dark.

blogging,writing,blog writing,business,newsletter,HowToWriteBetter.net,How To Write Better,Suzan St MaurNow, what further provinces do you feel are needed in The People’s Republic of Blog?

Now, let’s get your blogging into the stratosphere :

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

“Banana Skin Words and how not to slip on them”…over 1,500 spelling and grammar tips to perfect your written English

photo credit: papalars via photopin cc
photo credit: Swami Stream via photopin cc
photo credit: brentbat via photopin cc

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  1. I *love* this post—all too true!

    Now let me add the land of Narcissia.

    The blogs of its residents are quite stylish, featuring large professional portraits of the bloggers, posing cleverly and smiling hugely, often twirling or dancing in fields of wildflowers.

    When you visit these blogs, you know instantly that they are all about . . . the blogger! She (60 percent or more of Narcissia residents are female) is a profoundly brilliant, spiritual, empathic, enlightened being and wants to make sure you know it so that you can follow in her orbit.

    • Interesting you point this out, Mary – Narcissia does seem to be emerging as one of the more ebullient yet misleading prospective new provinces in The People’s Republic of Blog … even to the extent that some Narcissians are using pictures of someone else as, ostensibly, themselves, rather than show pictures of themselves as they really are.

      Of course that is typical of the Narcissian Blogger personality.

      Thank you for bringing this to my attention; I will pass it on to the government of The People’s Republic of Blog for their immediate attention….

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