Things to do on holiday / vacation (including laughter…)

Holidays are when we often do things we wouldn’t do during the rest of the year. Although these activities are usually a lot of fun, sometimes they don’t quite work out as planned…enjoy these funny jokes!

Things to do on holiday / vacation (including laughter)

An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

Elementary

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal cooked over the campfire and a bottle of wine to wash it down, they settled for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his companion. “Watson, look up and tell me what you can see.”
Watson replied, “I perceive millions of stars.”
“What does that indicate to you?”
Watson thought for a moment. “Astronomically, it indicates that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately zero two hundred hours. Theologically, I am made to feel that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I predict that we will have a fine day tomorrow. Now, Holmes, what does it tell YOU?”
Holmes was speechless for a moment, then said, “Watson, you imbecile.  Our wretched tent has been stolen.”

Football (Soccer)

The manager of a failing British football team decided to revitalise his players and create renewed team spirit by taking them on a safari holiday to East Africa. As they travelled around, the manager met a young African man who showed tremendous skill while merely kicking a coconut around. The manager was very excited about this and gathered his whole team together. “I want you to meet your new team member,” he shouted. “He has agreed to sign with us and will be travelling back with us for a three month trial. His name is Obutu Mnewa.”
The manager held up a real football and shouted, “now, this soccer ball, you kick with foot into goal, or hit with head into goal, no touch with hands, just run like hell.”
“You don’t need to describe the game to me in those patronising tones,” said Obutu Mnewa. “Actually I played in the first soccer team at Eton and then for Oxford University.”
“Oh, I wasn’t talking to you, Obutu,” smiled the manager. “I was talking to the rest of the team.”

Golf on the brain

A fanatic golfer was eventually persuaded to abandon his clubs and go on a cruise in the Indian Ocean. Unfortunately they were shipwrecked, but the golfer – the sole survivor – managed to swim to a deserted island. There he was astounded to meet a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a smile, and before long they had become very friendly.
As she cuddled up to him on the second day, she smiled and said, “would you like to play around with me?”
I’d love to,” said the golfing man, “but I left my clubs behind back in England.”

Trekking

A young man from Manchester, England, went on a pony trekking trip to the Lake District. He had never been on a horse in his life and didn’t know one end of such an animal from the other, but didn’t like to reveal his incompetence to quite such an alarming degree.
On his first morning, as he was preparing his horse for the day’s ride, the instructor came up to him and said “do you realise you’ve put that saddle on backwards?”
“Ah,” said the Mancunian, “but you don’t know which way I’m going to go, do you?”

Trekking again

A group of UK-based Microsoft employees had arranged to go on pony-trekking holiday in Wales and the leader was getting everybody ready. Several of the holiday-makers had never been on a horse before so she said to them, “it’s simple, really. If you want the horse to turn right, pull slightly on the right rein and if you want it to turn left, pull slightly on the left rein. If you pull on both reins the horse will stop, and if you want the horse to move forward or go faster, kick gently.”
At this point a rather studious-looking young tekkie type at the back said, “ah I see. It’s a point and kick user interface.”

Freebies

Two American golf fanatics came to the UK and were invited to play a round at Woburn, a very smart Club about 45 miles north of London. On arrival, they asked what the fees were.
“Nothing at all,” smiled the secretary. “As American visitors, you’re welcome to play for free today.”
“Great,” said one of the Americans. “How much is it to hire two sets of clubs?”
“No charge, sir,” smiled the secretary again. “Just take your pick from the selection in the Pro Shop.”
“My God,” said the second American. “This is great. What about some balls?”
“Of course, sir,” said the secretary, handing over a small box. “That’ll be £300, please.”
The second American turned to the first and said, “Shucks, Elmer, when these Limeys decide to get ya, they sure know what to go for.”

Riding the range

A London-based advertising executive decided to take a “Dude Ranch” holiday in Colorado. One the first day there, mindful of the British contingent on the trip, the cowboy groom pointed out that both Western and English saddles were available for them to use.
The advertising executive, never having ridden a horse before, asked what the difference was.
“Well, ma’am,” said the groom, “basically one has a horn and one doesn’t.”
The advertising executive stared out across the foothills of the Rockies for a moment and said, “I’ll have the one without a horn. I don’t think we’ll get too many traffic jams out here.”

Guides

A party of tourists were on a photographic safari in East Africa. Having been attracted by the prospect of seeing some lion cubs, they had wandered off the beaten track and now, as night was falling, they were totally lost. With no camping equipment or food supplies on their 4×4 vehicle, they were becoming very anxious and annoyed. One of the tourists tapped their driver on the shoulder and grunted, “I thought you said you were the best safari guide in Kenya?”
“That’s right, I am,” replied the driver. “But if I’m not mistaken we’re in Uganda now.”

Racing game

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th formers from a private school, accompanied by two female teachers, went on an extra-curricular trip to Doncaster. They were there to learn about thoroughbred horses and the horse-racing industry in general.
At one point nature called, and one of the teachers accompanied the boys while the other accompanied the girls. The teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the gents. One of the boys then came out and said that none of them could reach the urinal.
A trifle embarrassed but unable to think of a suitable alternative, the teacher went inside and began lifting the little boys – mostly 3rd and 4th year pupils – up by their armpits, in turn. As she raised one, she noticed that he was particularly well endowed. Attempting not to stare, the teacher commented, “you must be in the 5th.”
“No, miss,” he replied. “I’m in the 6th, riding Autumn Scamper, but thank you for the lift.”

Useful hints for wildlife seekers

A polar bear’s skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.  Also, polar bears are left-handed.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.  Also, sharks are the only fish which can blink with both eyes.
A whale’s penis is called a dork.
Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue.
A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
An elephant can smell water three miles away. Also, elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The world’s termites outweigh the world’s humans 10 to 1.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. That makes the catfish #1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish don’t have brains.

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