Travellers’ trials – jokes to cheer up your summer holidays

Travellers' trials - jokes to cheer up your summer holidaysFurther to last Sunday’s article that hopefully helped get you in the mood for (northern hemisphere) summer holidays here are more travel related stories to cheer you up on your cellphone when you’re lining up at check in. Hat tip to the wonderful Babs Saul who ensures that HTWB is mobile-friendly…

Trekking

A young man went with some friends on a pony trekking holiday in Wales. As he had never been on a horse in his life before, the man was none too stable in the saddle and during a particularly steep descent down a Welsh mountain, he fell off his pony and dislocated his shoulder. He was taken to hospital and in Accident and Emergency, the medical staff tried to put his shoulder back into place without an anaesthetic. The young man was shrieking and shouting in pain, but the nurse was unsympathetic. “Oh do be quiet, boyo,” she said. “There’s a woman in the next cubicle having a baby, and she’s not making half the fuss you are.” “Maybe not,” cried the young man, “but at least they’re not trying to put the baby back!”

Ladies and Gentlemen

A British man was on a business trip to one of the former Eastern Bloc countries and was highly honoured when his hosts asked him to make an after dinner speech at their industry seminar. To be polite, the British man wrote a short speech and asked someone from the local British Consulate to translate it into that country’s own language. He then learned it phonetically. However, while he was on his way to the dinner venue he realised he had forgotten to ask the British consulate representative how one says “ladies and gentlemen.” With a sudden flash of inspiration, he spotted a public convenience in the town and tapped his driver on the shoulder, indicating that he should stop for a moment. The British businessman copied down the words for “ladies and gentlemen” and then told the driver to carry on. After dinner he was surprised when the audience fell about laughing at his opening words, but carried on regardless. The rest of the speech went very well and the audience applauded for several minutes. However out of curiosity, he asked his host what was so funny about the opening line. “Vell,” said the host, “it vas probably because you started off by saying Male and Female Urinals.”

Shooting star

On one particular flight when the first officer was at the controls, the aircraft had landed very roughly indeed. Unfortunately for him, the policy of the airline concerned required him to stand by the door while the passengers left, smile, and say “thank you for flying Airline X.” Bearing in mind his bad landing, he could scarcely look the passengers in the eye, thinking that surely someone would bring up the landing goof. But no-one did. However as the last passenger – an elderly gentleman walking with a Zimmer frame – drew level with the first officer, he stopped. “Young man,” he said, “I flew F-111s in Vietnam. Can I ask you a question?” “Of course, sir,” said the first officer. “What is it?” “Well,” continued the old veteran, “did we land or were we shot down?”

Food complaint

Two holidaymakers were discussing their first lunch at the new hotel and beach resort in Greece. “The food was terrible,” said one holidaymaker. “What should I do?” The other one thought for a moment and then said, “you’d better bring it up tonight at the courier’s Welcome Party.”

Feeling good

A couple had been married for nearly 30 years, when the wife decided she needed a break and so booked into a luxury hotel in the south of France. After her fortnight away was up, she telephoned her husband in an enthusiastic voice, saying “do you mind if I stay another week? I’m feeling a new woman.” “So am I,” replied her husband with equal enthusiasm. “Stay as long as you like.”

In training

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves in the same sleeper compartment of an overnight train from London to Inverness. After the initial embarrassment, they both managed to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” The man leaned out and, with a suggestive smile, said, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married.” “Why not,” giggled the woman. “Good,” he replied. “Get your own bloody blanket.”

How’s that?

Two English tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching one particular town, they started arguing about the pronunciation of its name – 11 consonants with no vowels, in typical Welsh fashion. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one of the tourists asked the employee who was taking their order, “Could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?” The girl then leaned over the counter and said carefully and deliberately, “Kennnnn …. tuuuu … cky …. fried … chiiiii … cken.”

Sinking feeling

The Coast Guard station on the Isle of Wight caught a faint signal from a private yacht, saying it was sinking. The radio operator shouted down the microphone, “Please tell us your position! Repeat, please state your position!” After a lot of static crackling, the operator finally heard a weak reply… “oh for God’s sake, I’m Managing Director of Redbrick Computer Software plc … now hurry up and rescue me!”

Car parking

A businessman walked into a City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow £5,000. The loan officer said he bank would need some security for such a loan. The businessman then handed over the keys to a huge, brand new Mercedes that was parked in the road in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank’s underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the £5,000 and the interest which came to £15.41. The loan officer said, “We do appreciate your business, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why you would bother to borrow £5,000?” The businessman replied, “where else in London can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 quid?”

Luxury wrong

A British couple took themselves off on holiday to Texas. On arrival at Dallas-Fort Worth, not having pre-booked their accommodation, they asked their taxi driver to take them to the best hotel in town. The first room the receptionist showed them was magnificent. It had satellite and cable TV, fully stocked bar, jacuzzi and bath with gold fittings and an electrically operated king sized bed. “We’ll have this one,” said the British woman. “I’m afraid you can’t, ma’am,” drawled the receptionist. “This is the elevator.”

Ahoy, ahoy

Some people were enjoying a cruise along a fairly well-trodden route in the south Pacific. One sunny morning they passed by a small island, and several people on deck noticed a man with a beard standing on the shore. He was yelling, waving and jumping up and down. “Have you any idea who that is?” asked one passenger of a passing steward. “Haven’t the faintest,” replied the steward. “But each time we cruise past here he goes absolutely berserk.”

Crocodiles

A British tourist was fishing off the East African coast and managed to capsize his boat. Although he could have swum to shore, he chose to cling to the upturned boat for fear of crocodiles. After a while he saw an elderly man on the beach and shouted out to him, “are there any crocodiles in these waters?” “No,” shouted the old man back to him. “Haven’t seen any in several years.” Much relieved, the tourist decided to swim to shore and when he was mid-way between the boat and the beach, shouted out to the old man again. “How did you manage to get rid of the crocodiles?” “Oh, we didn’t have to do anything,” replied the old man. “The sharks got them all.”

Steps

A young university student got a summer job working for a water-skiing school in the Algarve. On his first day, the chief instructor decided to see how quick his thinking was and said to him, “right, Jeremy. Imagine you’re on the shore with a group of people waiting to ski, and you notice that one of the speedboats has gone out of control and is coming towards you on the beach at full throttle. What steps would you take?” The student thought carefully, then said, “Bloody long and fast ones, Mr Pereira.”

What holiday jokes – or unfunny fiascos – have you encountered?

Please share them here!

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