How to write car ads: the funniest you’ll ever see – guaranteed

The following text and illustrations appeared recently on the UK version of EBay, advertising a fairly old small European Ford Focus. It is quite the most hilarious and brilliant piece of secondhand car ad writing I’ve ever read … the text doesn’t necessarily make you gag to buy the car, but it sure makes you gag laughing.

The vendor, a certain Pistolfeet Porter, has already become a cult comedy writing figure in the UK and quite deservedly so, although for the moment he is still doing his thing and selling the odd car. Hysterical or what?

Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec Ghia Mint Green (Possibly works underwater but this is unconfirmed)

If Trebor (UK brand of mint candy) made car paint then I imagine it would look something like the colour of this car, it’s a pale minty green. I will include some green Trebor mints in the sale so that you can compare for yourself. Please specify if you would prefer Extra Strong mints instead, they are white (unlike the colour of this car) but I personally prefer them even if I do hold them partially responsible for the decay in one of my teeth.

I took this car in part exchange along with some cash for another car I was selling. I didn’t really want it but I wanted the car I had less and since I am a valeter by trade I saw potential in this. The engine is sound as can be, the gearbox is a dream, it steers like it’s on rails and all of the features and electricals work as designed. It’s the Ghia model (what does Ghia even mean?) so has a bunch of extras such as heated front windscreen, air con, electrically adjustable front seats and an upgraded dash.

Inside it’s quite lovely, dark and mysterious but shiny and clean. I would feel quite happy to host a business conference inside it. Refreshments could be served through one of the electrically operated windows. Drinks could be placed in 1 of the 2 available cup holders. If your business meeting was for more than 2 people then some of the participants may have to hold their drinks, they might whinge a bit because of this but just remind them that in some parts of the world they haven’t even invented drinks yet.

Nothing nasty to report about the inside of the car, no rips or scuffs, it!s very tidy actually. I have been driving this minty little number around for a few days now and I was surprised how nice it is to drive and have opted to drive this rather than my Mondeo. OMG I am such a liar, I just remembered that the passenger side door handle is a bit scruffy, that’s all though.

It’s a Ford Focus from 2001 which is exactly 1 year after 2000 when the world didn’t end and VCRs continued to work. I didn’t do much that New Years eve, not because I was afraid an airplane would fall out of the sky and land on me, I just fancied a quiet night in with my girlfriend of that time, I say girlfriend, she was nearly 40 but a proper sporty little thing, bit ugly but perky where it counted. I myself am no beauty box so us both being a bit ugly I never had and insecurities that she would run off with my best friend lol. But she did about a year later! He left his wife, went a bit mad, got sectioned then released, turned out to be an alcoholic and now has pancreatitis, all is well that ends well.

The alloys on this MINT GREEN (it’s not blue or black or red or any other colour, deal with the fact that its mint green to avoid disappointment. If you thought maybe it was silver but the sunshine in the photos made it look a bit green you were wrong) are in genuinely good condition. I gave them a quick tickle with an alloy cleaning brush but they need a better clean than that but since I am quite busy trying to get in to the girl next doors knickers I can’t be bothered. The plastics are all nice and black, the tyres are all insanely named cheap brands but have good tread on them. I valeted the car so it’s looking good and smells divine – you might want to lick it but I recommend against this since some of the cleaning products I use are bad for tongues.

The windows are unbroken glass, have no chips and critically are transparent unlike bricks which are not often used as a window making material, they are tinted at the back so if you take that lass from the chippy up the hills you can do what you like in the back and won’t be seen. Unless someone looks through the windscreen and then the games up and the pillar box is down.

It’s done 107K miles which is much further than I can run and I wouldn’t even attempt to run that far not even for comic relief or children in need unless there was a cash incentive then I would consider it and work out some way to cheat. It would be an elaborate cheat including most likely a helicopter and several disguises, somewhere I have a dress up banana suit which I have only used once so I would probably try to get some more use out of it since I think it cost me about £60 a few years back.

The exterior of the car is generally in pretty good condition, there is some surface rust under the rear wheel arches (not that bad) and its had a small ding on the rear which has been tarted up a bit and doesn’t look that bad. There are a couple of places (arches, rear bumper) that have been resprayed in places probably due to surface rust in the past. I say resprayed, it actually looks like it’s been done by a drunken blind clown at night hanging upside down from a moving giraffe. Honestly, Ghandi could have done a better job slapping paint on with his flip flops. Estimated cost to have this resprayed by someone that isn’t mentally incapacitated is about £150-200 but who knows, maybe you aren’t the picky type and just want a motor that runs well, is comfy and proper posh on the inside.

It’s got MOT and Tax until July and I really can’t see any reason why it won’t fly through its next MOT (apart from the fact that cars don’t fly, be cool if they did)

Aside from the couple of dodgy resprayed bits this is a very decent car that runs beautifully but is green.

Any inspection, test drive, pretend flight is more than welcome. If you don’t want to drive it you can just sit in the driver’s seat and I can make engines noises but there will be an additional fee for this. I can also make airplane noises my Airbus A380 is very impressive, helicopters are harder but I can try if that is your thing.

You can see from the pictures that overall this is a bang tidy motor and you have my word it drives well. If this doesn’t sell I really couldn’t care less, I will keep driving it around not pulling birds. I don’t need to sell it but if you want it you can buy it.

Don’t forget its Fathers’ Day soon! What do you buy the dad who has everything? Well if he has a crazy a$$ large desk you could buy him a full scale replica Ford Focus 1.8 Zetec  Ghia paperweight. If you know someone like Doc Brown for the back to the future trilogy maybe they could make you a remote control like the one he had for the DeLorean DMC-12 which would be way awesome!

Update, Tuesday: I just pretended to get off with myself in the back seats, I had someone confirm that they could see me. This unfortunately means the windows are only lightly tinted and it isn’t privacy glass. Also worth mentioning that this car runs on petrol which can be bought at ‘petrol stations’, if you are unfamiliar with these then ask someone for directions to a place that sells over priced cold sausage rolls.

I can confirm that the petrol low light works, it just came on.

Also I just took delivery of a docking station for my laptop, the box it came in is surplus to requirements as I have plenty of other empty boxes. I will include this box in the sale at no extra cost. Finally for today, I think a pound coin fell out of my Bermuda shorts and has lodged itself somewhere under the driver’s seat, if I don’t find it before the car sells you can have this too. Don’t be disappointed if it’s only 50p though, it sounded like a pound but could have been a 50.

Question is: should our Pistolfeet continue working in his automotive business, or should he say to hell with that and write comedy instead? I’d go for the latter… what do you think?

Check him out on his site here and on Facebook here.

Now, let’s get you writing into overdrive:

“Super Speeches”…how to write and deliver them well

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“Business Writing Made Easy”…everything you need to know about writing for business in English

Comments

comments

Thoughts

  1. Gosh that’s hilarious, I wanted to buy the bloody car! and I hate green cars.

    Someone needs to sign this guy up 🙂

    • Thanks for that Sarah and yes, you’re right – Pistolfeet looks to have a glorious future as a comedy writer! Funnily enough I was filling my car up with diesel earlier today and a “mint green Ford Focus” of about the same vintage pulled up at the next pump. I got some very odd looks from surrounding motorists because every time I caught sight of this car I fell about laughing…

  2. I think he should do both – if he’s like this online, what’s he like in person? It would be a shame to deprive the world of a car salesman with a sense of humour! 🙂

    Only thing I’d add though is I must be spending too long online and ending up with the attention span of a gnat as I found it wandered too much and went on a bit too long 🙁

  3. The pictures! Oh my gosh, they’re delightful. My attention started to wander a little toward the end, but a little judicious cutting, and this would be perfect.

Thoughts

*

css.php