Want to get healthy? Then DON’T read this

The following is one of the best examples of humorous writing I’ve seen, and I’ve seen quite a few. I don’t know the original author but whoever it is, heartfelt congratulations to him. He knows how to press all the right comedic buttons including good speed and balance of build-up, self-denigration, and irony.

And if you’ve ever been anywhere near a gym or other fitness routine you’ll find yourself laughing at this is hard as I still do. Enjoy.

Dear Diary…

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Caroline, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress…

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00am.Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Caroline waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Caroline gave me a tour and showed me the machines… She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Caroline was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Caroline made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air – then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Caroline’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Smart Car in the club parking lot. Caroline was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasal whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Caroline put me on the Stairmaster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Caroline told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap, too.

Thursday:

Caroline was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Caroline took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.

Friday:

I hate Caroline more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Caroline wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the ****ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday:

Caroline left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun – like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Get your writing fit and healthy:

“How To Write About Yourself”…how to make the most of yourself, whatever you need to write

“English to English: the A to Z of British-American translations”…more than 2,000 business and social terms from the USA, the UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand

“The English Language Joke book”…hundreds of laughs about this crazy language of ours

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  1. LOL!

    This really made me chuckle and brought back some fantastic memories of when I worked as a personal trainer and kickboxing instructor and I was THAT instructor!

    You paid me your money and my reputation is on the line and you WILL get that result!

    I can’t even print what was said to me most of the time because of the colourfull use of language but here’s one of my favourite quotes from the Evening Standard from one of my clients Nirpal Dhaliwell.

    “Twice a week, Garth put me through a regime using weights and cardiovascular equipment that was sheer torment. To increase my ability to burn fat, I had to build as much muscle as possible: lean muscle tissue burns calories even when resting. The dark loathing I had for Garth during those sessions is an abiding memory.”

    Oh, brings back such wonderful memories!

  2. Glad you enjoyed it, you sadist, you! xx

  3. LOL!

    My favorite part was how Caroline slowly turned from a goddess to a shrill-voiced vampire in his eyes. Reminds me of how men seem to change their view of the women they marry. First, she’s incredible, can do no wrong. A few years later, she’s a shrill-voiced nag and an annoying vampire.

    Thanks so much for sharing! Btw, did you get my email? Sorry to bother (hate doing that in a comment), but I just thought of it. If you did get it, and just changed your mind, I completely understand. Anyway, have a great day!

    • LOL! That can happen with husbands too … can turn from a handsome Adonis into a beer-bellied bore ….!

      Have replied to your email – check your inbox.

      Sz

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