Welcome Royal Baby Boy: now – what about these names?

HTWB Royal baby

You talking to ME?

Now that Britain’s Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have produced their first child, 3rd in line to the British throne, I’m sure they will spend the next hours and possibly days finalizing the baby’s names.

So here is some help for them…

According to BabyNames.co.uk, here are some of the most popular names in the UK right now. How would they work?

Boys’ names…

Harry: means “home ruler.”  A no-no, if only because baby’s uncle already has that name and currently he has no home to rule other than, probably, a chaotic bachelor pad full of dirty dishes, beer cans and Pot Noodle containers plus (given his status) hundreds of Dom Pérignon empties.

Oliver: means “olive tree.” A bit too Mediterranean, I suspect, and as olive trees don’t grow well in the UK. A politically unwise choice, especially in view of the UK’s dithering relationship with the EC.

Jack: formerly a derivative of John but now a popular first name in its own right. But “King Jack?” I don’t think so. Sounds like a tool you use to change a wheel on a juggernaut.

Charlie: Hmmm…in Brit-speak, “a proper Charlie” means someone who is a bit of a goofball. Also Grandpa’s first name, not that there is any connection, of course….

small_1659786179Alfie: King Alfie? Nice name for a ballsy little terrier.

Thomas: Ah, I love it because that’s my son’s name. But it has issues: it might by strung together with “John Thomas” which means something quite different.

James: means “supplanter,” which according to Dictionary.com means to “remove, succeed.” Combine that with the name’s Scottish associations in royal terms and you’ve got a trouble-maker before he’s finished kicking the floor boards out of his Moses basket.

Jacob: also means supplanter, also the name of a popular brand of cream crackers. Let’s not go there.

Joshua: means “God is salvation.” Quite a tall order for a baby King. And King Josh? Meh…

William: lovely, but rings nasty little bells from Willie the Conqueror who in many ways was about as popular as a pork chop at a Bar Mitzvah. In any case that’s Daddy’s name and there’d be nothing more irritating for Kate than calling out “William” to see two heads turn towards her.

And had the new baby been a girl?

Here are the most popular right now…

Amelia: is a cross between Emilia and Amalia. Sounds pretty but lacks a certain grunt. Although I quite like the sound of Queen Amelia.

small__2041260277Olivia: not even an olive tree, as in the masculine equivalent … here, it just means “an olive.” Would we want a queen who sits permanently on a lump of red pimento?

Lily: a pretty name but a bit floppy for someone who has to shake hands all day and take tea with boring British Prime Ministers once a week. Queen Lily? Too horticultural.

Jessica: according to BabyNames.co.uk the first time we heard this name was when Willy Shakespeare tried to think up a “Jewish” sounding name for Shylock’s daughter in The Merchant of Venice. Also, I once had a horse called Jessica. She used to attack people when she was in season. Not a happy connotation.

Emily: means “rival,” according to BabyNames. Queens don’t have rivals. Well, not this sort of queen, anyway. Probably the most noble Emily so far was one of the Brontë sisters – a literary queen would be cool…

Sophie: not a realistic choice especially as we already have Queen Sofia of Spain (she’s Greek actually, but don’t let’s go there, especially with their economic issues right now.) Queen Sophie would make quite a good name for Siamese cat, though.

Grace: “effortless beauty,” according to BabyNames. There have been quite a few famous Graces including Grace Kelly, the actress who married Prince Ranier of Monaco back in the 1950s …  Gracie Fields, a darling of Britain particularly during WW2 … Grace Jones, talented but controversial singer whose single “Pull Up To The Bumper” caused embarrassed throat-clearing when it was released in 1981…you can see where this is going, can’t you?

small__9184554604Ruby: yes, the 8th most popular girl’s name in the UK right now. But Queen Ruby?  Too close to a drag act for my taste. I expect the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge would agree.

Ava: unfortunate name that reminds me of an old acquaintance, a high-class call girl who was perpetually complaining about her lot despite earning squillions from her nefarious activities. Hence I always associate “Ava” with “Ava problem, what can I do about it?” Mind you Ava Gardner was pretty cool. Perhaps Kate and Wills can save “Ava” for next time.

Isabella: “my God is a vow,” according to BabyNames. A beautiful name, certainly. But Queen Isabella sounds dangerously un-British and might attract unwanted attention from swarthy gold-toothed presidents of small South American countries.

Anyway now that we have little boy, let’s celebrate. (And trust me, HRH baby boy will become the  most popular name for new babes in England very, very soon…)

What are your favourite names? And why did you choose those names for your kids? I’d love to know, so please share…

While you’re here, don’t forget to stop by my Bookshop…books and eBooks to help you write better – and to give to friends and family…

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  1. What about George?

  2. I reckon George is a runner, Lynn, but it doesn’t seem to be amongst the top ten most popular boys’ names in the UK right now. We’ll have to wait and see!