Where to retire to in the USA…

Where to live in the USA when you retire

Retirement in Arizona: you know that ” dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

If you live in the USA – or would like to, and are getting a bit middle-aged and conscious that there is more to life than work … here are some useful suggestions about where to retire to.

NB: some of the following are already well tried and tested as retirement venues, although in some cases who the hell knows why? However…

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…..

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that ” dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME (is this what hell is like) ??!!

You can retire to California where…

1. You make over $1 million p.a. and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can retire to New York City where…

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but your GPS/satnav can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is “nature.”

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

5. You’ve worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Maine where…

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where…

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.

3. “He needed killin'” is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

5. There are only 7 last names.

You can retire to Colorado where…

1. You carry your $10,000 mountain bike atop your $5,000 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where…

1. You never meet any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

You can retire to the Pacific Northwest where…

1. You sleep with your raincoat on.

2. Mt Rainier is your ‘benchmark’ when traveling.

3. You hate Californians.

4. You develop webbing between your toes.

5. You fight a black bear for the salmon you just caught.

AND You can retire to Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Now: where else should you retire to – in the USA, or elsewhere?

Please share!

Image by Flip Schulke, 1930-2008, Photographer (NARA record: 2435383) (U.S. National Archives and Records Administration) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons