Why you should never trust a parrot…

Two golden-oldie reasons why parrots can be much, much more trouble than they’re worth…

Who needs feet? Except …

Why you should never trust a parrot

Who’s a pretty boy then? Not necessarily…

Herbert was not getting along so well with his wife and thought maybe he’d like to have a pet to keep him company. So, he went to a pet shop in search of a friend.

After looking around he spotted a parrot sitting on a little perch. It didn’t have any feet or legs.

“Gosh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?” Herbert muttered.

“I was born this way,” said the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” Herbert said to no-one in particular. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” said the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” Herbert said suspiciously. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot said, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot p*nis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.”

“Wow,” said Herbert. “You really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak English, French and German. I can converse with competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and not surprisingly I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

Herbert looked at the price tag. “$200!” he exclaimed. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hissed, motioning Herbert over with one wing.

“Nobody wants me because I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer for me.”

Herbert offered $20 and sure enough, walked out with the parrot.

Weeks went by.

The parrot was sensational. He was funny, he was interesting, he was a great pal, he understood everything, sympathized, gave good advice. Herbert was delighted.

One day Herbert came home from work and the parrot said, “Pssst,” and motioned him over with one wing.

Herbert moved up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” said the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the Amazon delivery man.”

“What?” shrieked Herbert.

“Well,” the parrot said, “when the Amazon delivery man came to the door today with your books, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asked Herbert.

“Then he came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reported the parrot.

“Oh no!” Herbert cried. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”

The parrot paused for a long time.

“What happened? What happened?” shouted poor Herbert, now frantic.

“I don’t know,” said the parrot.

“I fell off my perch.”

Well, hello there…

Marianne went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

Marianne thought about this, but decided that she and her family were mature enough to cope with whatever this bird could deliver. And, because she was intrigued, she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home, hung its cage up in her living room, and waited for it to say something. After a couple of hours the bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

Marianne was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird peered at them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

Marianne and her daughters were a little taken back, but then began to laugh about the comment considering where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Marianne’s husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked him straight in the eye and said, “Well, hi, Keith!”

What are your favorite parrot jokes? Please share them here!

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar via photopin cc