Why you shouldn’t ever have a parrot…

parrots,funny jokes,humor

“Got him in France – there’s millions of them there.”

If you’re tempted to get a parrot as a pet, read these stories carefully … they might make you think again.

Sans blague
A Frenchman with a parrot on his shoulder walked into a bar.  The bartender said, “Wow, that’s really neat.  Where did you get him?”
“In France,” the parrot replied. “They’ve got millions of them there.”

Bordello squawk
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then  at her, and said, “new house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.” The girls and the woman were taken back, but then began to laugh about the comment considering where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman’s husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “Hey, hi, Keith – how are you doin’?”

Caught in the act
An elderly lady bought a pair of parrots, but couldn’t identify their sexes. She called the shop, and the man there advised her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time. She spent weeks staring at the cage and eventually caught them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she didn’t get them mixed up gain, she cut out a ring from a piece of cardboard and put it around the male parrot’s neck.
A while later, the local priest visited the old lady. The male parrot took one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistled, and said, “I see she caught YOU at it, too…”

Family matters
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared at it.
Over time, the young man noticed the old man was staring at him. The young man finally said sarcastically, “what’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “got drunk once when I was in the Marines on a tropical island and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

Church chatter
Another elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn’t be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, “it’s goddamned cold in here!” Everyone turned to look at her; she ran out of the church in total embarrassment.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following  solution: “if the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder.”
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, “It’s goddamned cold in here!” Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around several times and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said,”pretty f*ckin’ windy, too.”

parrots,funny jokes,humor

“Hi, we’re hookers. Do you want to have some fun?”

Double trouble
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
blog,writing,news,blogging,businessThere was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered…”

photo credit: NikiSublime via photopin cc
photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar via photopin cc




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