New Year’s resolutions you must write for your pets

At New Year we get plenty of suggestions on what resolutions we humans should make, but there’s a strong need for us to write resolutions for our pets to follow if we are to lead a peaceful co-existence for the coming year.

Here are some suggestions for our cats, dogs and horses. Can you come up with more for, say, Parrots? Rabbits? Pigs? Goats? Donkeys? I’ll leave you to ruminate on that but for now, here are my three front runners…

Ziggy (my Canadian cousin, a Cornish Rex): you will not sit in the pasta pan just before your mom needs it to make tagliatelle alfredo.

New Year’s resolutions for cats

You will not swat your human’s head repeatedly when she’s on the family room floor trying to do yoga.

When your human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight your lovely tail.

You are a walking static generator. Your human doesn’t need your help installing a new board in her computer.

You will not bring the police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 / 999 dial button.

You will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

You will not walk on the keyboard when your human is writing important emiognaierp ga3qi4 taij@3tgv aa35 a=

New Year’s resolutions for dogs

If you’re a working dog stick to what you’re good at.

You will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

The garbage/rubbish collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

You do not need to suddenly stand straight up when you’re lying under the coffee table.

You will slide-scratch your bottom along the grass, not the floor, to rid yourself of hangers-on.

You will not roll your toys behind the fridge.

You must shake the rainwater out of your fur before entering the house.

You will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

You will not roll your head around in other animals’ poop.

You will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

You will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when you are about to vomit.

You will not throw up in the car.

You will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

You will not lick your human’s face after eating animal poop.

“Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

You will not get revenge on your owners for putting you in cute winter bonnets.

You will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the back yard after their, er, bio-processing.

The diaper/nappy pail/bucket is not a cookie jar.

You will not wake Mommy up by sticking your cold, wet nose up her bottom.

You will not chew your human’s toothbrush.

You will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or people will think you’re hemorrhaging.

When in the car, you will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. You will not bark each time you hear one on TV.

You will not steal your Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

Your head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan/rubbish bin.

You will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

You will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the “perfect” place to poop.

You will not eat other animals’ poop.

You will not take off while on leash/lead to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope. (Or outside the back door on a dark, freezing morning.  Personal experience. Ouch. Sz.)

New Year’s resolutions for horses

You will not freak out when something the size of a small atom appears out of nowhere and winks at you.

You will not spend your spare time thinking up new ways to undo the bottom bolt on your box door.

You will not, repeat not, spook at those two evil German Shepherds who airmail themselves at the gate across the road each time we go by.

You will chew the paddock/corral fence evenly, not work on the second rail on the left every day until you’ve bitten right through it.

You will not lay your ears back at that loud, patronising instructor even though she calls you a stubborn old mule and taps you on the private parts with her schooling whip.

You will be patient with that snotty little Exmoor pony even though he chases you around the field like a collie rounding up sheep.

You will be nice to the farrier even when he slaps your bottom with a left hook like Mike Tyson’s and shouts at you in a voice that makes a foghorn sound subtle.

You will always remember to dung in the same corner of your box/stall so it doesn’t take an hour to skip out every day.

You will never, ever chew a human’s Barbour again no matter how strong a smell of Polo mints is wafting up from the pockets.

You will never try to snatch some young leaves from a hedge while out on hack, no matter how appetising they look.

You will not rub the top of your tail on the old apple tree in the paddock so it looks like a dead hedgehog again. **

**And to finish, a (true) funny story…

Once upon a time my mare had been rubbing the top of her tail and it looked, as above, like an ailing hedgehog. The owner of the yard where she lived handed me a bottle of pleasant smelling lotion and told me to apply it to the affected region. Miraculous result after just a few days! No more hedgehog, no more problem.
I got the name of the product from the yard owner and went into my local drugstore/chemist in search.
The person-in-the-white-coat looked at me like I had just crawled out of a drain.
“Er, why do you need this product?”
“Oh, for my horse,” I chirped. “She has a scratchy, itchy tail.”
The lotion was produced and I swear the drugstore’s/chemist’s staff withdrew visibly while I paid, then left.
It was only after I got back to the (horse) yard and asked the owner what this stuff really was, that she said “oh, it’s a well-known remedy for human scabies.”
Scabies, if you didn’t already know, is a medical condition with a reputation for being, er, let’s say “not very nice.”
But what the hell. If it cured my horse’s tail itch, I was willing to wear the reputation it involved – and even promote it to others.

Happy New Year!

And don’t forget to share your own animals’/pets’ best New Year’s resolutions…

Suze xx