If most Christmas cracker jokes make you groan, have a look at this small selection – hand-picked by moi to guarantee if not a laugh, at least a grin rather than a groan.
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia
Why did Santa’s helper see the psychotherapist?
Because he had a low “elf” esteem
What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson
What does Santa do on Boxing Day?
Takes a well-earned holly-day
Who delivers presents to dogs?
Santa Paws
Who delivers presents to tigers?
Santa Claws
What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?
Santa Clues
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A Christmas Quacker
What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards
Who is Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley
What does your English teacher call Santa’s little helpers?
Subordinate clauses
What do you call a frozen elf hanging from the ceiling?
An elfcicle
What do you get if Santa goes down the chimney when a fire is lit?
Krisp Kringle
Who is Santa Claus married to?
Mary Christmas
How long do a reindeer’s legs have to be?
Long enough so they can touch the ground
What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments
What’s worse than Rudolph with a runny nose?
Frosty the snowman with a hot flush
Why did the Rudolph cross the road?
Because he was harnessed to the chicken
What do you call Rudolph with lots of snow in his ears?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you
What did Santa ask Rudolph about the weather?
Is it going to rain dear
What happened to the turkey at Christmas?
It got gobbled
Why did the turkey join the band?
Because it had the drumsticks
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
How do snowmen get around?
They ride an icicle
What song do you sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow
Why was the snowman rummaging in the bag of carrots?
He was picking his nose
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
One that’s deep pan, crisp and even
Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy
How does Christmas Day end?
With the letter ‘Y’
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful
What is the best Xmas present in the world?
A broken drum. You just can’t beat it
How did Scrooge win the football game?
The ghost of Christmas passed
What athlete is warmest in winter?
A long jumper
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Tinsilitis
What’s the most popular Christmas wine?
‘I don’t like Brussels sprouts’
What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?
He got 25 days
Why are Christmas Trees useless at knitting?
They keep losing their needles
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple
What’s the best thing to put into a Christmas Cake?
Your teeth
What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?
Jingle Smells
Which football team did the baby Jesus support?
Manger-ster United
What’s the name of the one horse in “Jingle Bells”?
Bob. (Bells on Bob’s tail ring)
What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?
Claustrophobia
What’s a child’s favourite king at Christmas?
A stocking
Why couldn’t the ghost go to the Christmas Party?
Because he had no body to go with
How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey?
On the dark side
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh
What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells
What do you call an elf who sings?
A wrapper
Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why is Santa so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
He only comes once a year.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?
RUDEolph
What nationality is someone who is wearing a Christmas hat?
A Merry Can
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
Snowballs
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus
What are the funniest Christmas cracker jokes you’ve seen?
Please share!
With thanks to the following excellent sources of Christmas cracker and other jokes …
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