Writing jokes about New Year: a selection of the best

How to write better jokes … If you’re hurrying to write your New Year’s resolutions, here are some humorous ideas to give you (and your dog, and your horse) inspiration … curated from some of the best sources on the internet. I’ve included a sample from each, so enjoy…!

Writing jokes about New Year: a selection of the best
Unijokes (one or two of their jokes are a little risqué)
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky. “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it. But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.”

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

Ten indications of a New Year hangover:
1.You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil’s pets.
2.Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to “Stay still.”
3.Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4.The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, “Step right up and give it whirl!”
5.You’d rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6.You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7.You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8.Your catch phrase is, “Never again.”
9.You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10.Your new response to “Good morning,” is “Be quiet!”

JokeQuote – sample
New Year’s Eve, when auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.
– Jay Leno

Quotes Hunger – (most are cartoons)
My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

May this New Year be full of joy, may your resolutions last as long as your cravings for unhealthy food, and may you feel the magic of the New Year in your heart.
Let this New Year fill you with hope instead of cookies, with joy instead of ice cream, and with wonder instead of potato chips.
May the next year find your waistline slimmer, your wallet fatter, your cholesterol lower, and your tolerance level higher.

This Blog Rules (one or two of their jokes are a little risqué)
I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. You don’t need them when you’re perfect.

I will switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make each a lot harder for hackers to figure out

Beauty and tips
Stop pulling strange faces on selfies: to all you people who think that looking like a duck is a must for a selfie, give the world a break and just smile for a change! Start the New Year the way you mean to go on and, at the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve, send a selfie where you look almost normal.

Canine Capers
Dog’s New Year Resolutions
1.I will not bury my bone in Mum’s duvet ever again (well, maybe just when she’s changed the bedclothes, that’s toooooo tempting)
2. will not pull on the lead, even when the neighbour’s cat is sitting on the wall thumbing its nose at me as we go by
3. will never again assume that the rubbish/garbage collectors are trying to burgle our house
4.I will not wee on Mrs Barker’s leg even when she stands still for hours in the park talking to Mum
Writing jokes about New Year: a selection of the best5.I will always ensure that I shake all the rainwater off BEFORE I go back into the house
6.I will not stare at the gerbils in their cage and growl at them when no-one’s around
7.I will never again catch a rabbit, bring it back to the house and let it go in the kitchen (if I catch one now I’ll make sure it’s dead first)
8.I will never again steal the cats’ food, either before or after they’ve eaten it
9.I will not eat my own poo ever again, promise
10.I will not raid the nappy bucket/diaper pail and I’m not jealous of the new baby, honest
11.I will try, desperately hard, to make friends with that stuck-up, supercilious Siamese cat, but Heaven help him if he smacks me on the nose when no-one’s looking
12.I will not stand up on my hind legs and steal the cats’ food when everyone’s gone out
13.I will not empty the rubbish bin even when I’m all alone and terribly bored
14.I will recognise that we haven’t got a doorbell and will not bark when I hear one on TV
15.I will try my best to poo in the same place in the garden every time so it’s easy for Mum to clean up after me
16.I will never again attempt to stand up when I’m lying under the coffee table
17.I will stop sticking my nose through the fence and snarling at the terriers in the garden next door

The Horse Lover’s Joke Book
Horse’s New Year Resolutions
1.I will not spend my spare time thinking up new ways to undo the bottom bolt on my box door
2.I will not, repeat NOT, spook at those two evil German Shepherds who airmail themselves at the gate across the road each time we go by
Writing jokes about New Year: a selection of the best3.I will chew the paddock fence evenly, not work on the second rail on the left every day until I’ve bitten right through it
4.I will not lay my ears back at that loud, patronising instructor even though she calls me a stubborn old mule and taps me on the private parts with her schooling whip
5.I will be patient with that snotty little Exmoor even though he chases me around the field like a collie rounding up sheep
6.I will be nice to the farrier even when he slaps my bottom with a left hook like Mike Tyson’s and shouts at me in a voice that makes a foghorn sound subtle
7.I will always remember to dung in the same corner of my box so it doesn’t take an hour to skip out every day
8.I will never, ever chew a human’s Barbour again no matter how strong a smell of Polo mints is wafting up from the pockets
9.I will never try to snatch some young leaves from a hedge while out on hack, no matter how appetising they look
10.I will not rub the top of my tail on the old apple tree in the paddock so it will never look like a dead hedgehog again

Have a great New Year, whatever you “resolve” to do!